Life has a way of throwing moments at us that turn our entire world upside down. For me, that moment was when I learned my relationship was ending and my partner had chosen a different path. This experience became the start of a profound transformation, a journey to rediscover myself, find meaning, and seek spiritual peace in the face of crisis.
It was a moment when my whole world crumbled, kicking off a period of chaos that forever changed my perception of relationships, myself, and spirituality. In the beginning, I was filled with regret, confusion, and the feeling of having no ground beneath my feet. Today, as I write these words, I stand in a completely different place. I want to share this journey with you—from desperately trying to save something that was falling apart to finding peace in the middle of the storm.
The Desperate Fight for Control
Initially, I reacted like many of us do when faced with the sudden loss of a loved one—I was overwhelmed by chaos and intense anxiety. I fell into a spiral of trying too hard, desperately attempting to regain control of the situation. Instead of accepting what was happening, I made one attempt after another to fix and hold on to what was inevitably breaking down.
I focused all my attention on her: flowers, dates, declarations of love. I even created a project called “18 Reasons Why I Love You”—I prepared a decorative box where I planned to periodically place puzzle pieces, each accompanied by a personal letter and a gift, from small tokens to bigger surprises like a dinner, a trip, or a photoshoot. Each element symbolized a specific quality I loved about her. I imagined her excitedly opening each envelope, reading the letters, and discovering the gifts or places I invited her to—it was meant to be an experience that would build our bond and create unique memories.
I took on literally everything at home—caring for our three children, three cats, and all the daily logistics. A particular challenge was her 18-year-old cat, who was practically blind and almost completely deaf due to his age. He often had accidents outside the litter box, so I’d sometimes find myself cleaning urine and feces off the floors at five in the morning. Despite these difficulties and the fact that she didn’t take him with her when she moved out, I continued to care for him. He was her beloved companion, but the responsibility and care fell solely on me, which only deepened my sense of being overwhelmed.
Parallel to this, I was diving deeper into psychological concepts—I listened to podcasts, read books, and sought information on how fear controls our behavior in a crisis. I started to see how my actions—especially those driven by excessive intention and desperation—were motivated by a fear of abandonment and loss of intimacy. I began to understand that by trying to “fix everything” and pouring immense energy into saving the relationship, I was unconsciously achieving the opposite effect: creating even more distance and causing her to shut down emotionally. I knew that such over-the-top efforts, constantly initiating talks, showing affection, or trying to “convince” someone by force, often make the other person want to run away and retreat further. This realization was painful—I saw I was doing something that had the opposite effect of what I wanted, yet despite all this knowledge and understanding, I couldn’t stop.
I tried to make her feel guilty, to make her see how much she was losing by presenting myself in the best possible light. Every act of help or gesture was laced with a quiet hope: “Maybe she’ll change her mind? Maybe she’ll stay?” Over time, however, I began to see how exhausting these desperate attempts to regain control were and how little they actually changed. It was an emotional battle with reality that I eventually had to admit was fruitless.
Living with Stress and Obsession
My body was in a constant state of tension and anxiety. I was constantly looking out the window, checking if her car was still parked outside. I could spend hours analyzing her social media activity, trying to find hidden meanings in her every move. This unending stress and obsessive thinking completely drained me.
I judged her, and at the same time, I desperately craved her approval. That was the paradox—on one hand, I felt anger and rebellion against my situation, and on the other, I tried at all costs to keep her attention and closeness.
The Turning Point: Breath and Insight
At a certain point, I hit a wall. I understood that my actions were not only ineffective but were also destroying me. That’s when I turned to tools I had previously treated superficially: mindfulness, breathwork, and meditation. Deeper understanding of these practices and their impact on coping with crisis is something I explore in my articles Mindfulness Beyond the Basics: How to Use Awareness to Transform Crisis into Growth, Emotional Resilience: How to Thrive in Difficult Times, and Spiritual Practices for Everyday Resilience: Building Strength in Challenging Times. Regular meditation, breathing exercises, and a daily mindfulness practice not only allowed me to quiet the ever-present internal noise but also genuinely improved my sleep quality and daily energy levels. Only then could I more effectively deal with difficult emotions, be more present for myself and my children, and rebuild the strength needed for further self-work.
This didn’t happen overnight. Regular breathing exercises gradually helped me quiet the constant noise in my head, and meditation opened up a space to look at my own emotions from a distance—without running from them, but also without surrendering to their power. Thanks to mindfulness and conscious breathing, I began to find the first glimpses of inner peace, even in the most turbulent moments.
The Role of Intention in Transformation
This journey into consciousness led me to discover something crucial: my intentions. An intention is not just a thought—from a spiritual perspective, it’s like an energetic compass guiding our choices and actions. Many traditions describe it as a vibration that resonates with our surroundings and the universe, attracting certain experiences to us. In psychology, intention is linked to motivation and awareness—studies confirm that consciously setting an intention significantly increases the chances of achieving goals and improves well-being and a sense of agency. What’s more, intentions are often felt by others—even when unspoken, they influence the atmosphere of our relationships and how we feel in someone’s presence.
If you want to explore this topic further, I share more insights in my article Intention, Energy, and Awareness: A Guide to Living with Purpose.
I understood that I had to abandon actions driven by fear (“so that she comes back”) and start acting from a place of love—first for myself, and then for my children. Instead of focusing on convincing or winning her back, I began to care for my own growth and well-being, not to impress her, but to survive and build a new life. I still supported her, but no longer from the position of someone begging for affection, but out of genuine concern—as a human and the father of our children, guided by love, not fear.
Forgiveness as a Mindful Practice
On my journey toward peace, practicing forgiveness became essential—for both myself and for her. It wasn’t a one-off choice, but a daily discipline: learning to let go of resentment, anger, and that sense of injustice, so these emotions wouldn’t control my life.
How to Practice Daily Forgiveness
- Conscious Breathing: When negative emotions arise—toward yourself or others—pause and take a few slow, deep breaths. Let yourself fully experience those feelings, without judgment.
- Unsent Letters: Write a letter to the person you want to forgive (even if that person is yourself). Be honest about your feelings, then, at the end, acknowledge that you’re choosing to release the resentment. Destroying the letter afterward makes the act tangible and freeing.
- Forgiveness Affirmations: Repeat to yourself, “I forgive myself and others. I release the weight of the past.” Make this a small, regular ritual, like before bed.
- Visualization: Close your eyes and see the person you’re forgiving bathed in light or warmth. Spend a few moments wishing them or yourself genuine well-being—even if it feels difficult at first.
You can read more about the power and psychology of forgiveness, and the methods that helped me, in my article The Power of Forgiveness: Healing Yourself and Others. Without forgiveness, there’s no real chance for freedom or building compassionate relationships—only cycles of old wounds.
Understanding the power of words—both those we speak to others and those we direct at ourselves—also changed a lot on my path. In the article The Invisible Scars: How Words Can Hurt More Than Actions, I show how words can leave deeper scars than actions, and how crucial it became for me to learn a new quality of communication, including internal dialogue.
Practical Tips for Using Words in Communication
- Consider your intention before you speak. Do you want to support, inspire, or just vent your own emotions?
- Talk about your feelings instead of judging others. Instead of “You always hurt me,” try, “I feel sad when that happens.”
- Pause before you respond. Even a few breaths can help you choose more constructive words.
Equally groundbreaking was the discovery of how thoughts feed our brain and create our daily reality. Working with beliefs, consciously directing attention, regular affirmations, and a “courageous” perspective described in Feeding Your Brain with Thoughts: The Science Behind Mind and Body Connection allowed me to escape mental traps, regain energy, and gradually rebuild my self-worth.
Practical Tips for Working with Thoughts and Beliefs
- Notice automatic thoughts. Try to observe your thoughts for a moment each day without judging them. Ask yourself: “Does this thought serve me?”
- Change your perspective. If you catch yourself in a negative belief, try to look at the situation differently. Instead of “I’ll never cope,” say, “I can find a way or ask for support.”
- Use affirmations. Introduce short, positive sentences that you repeat in the morning or in difficult moments, such as, “I am enough,” “I can take care of myself.”
I also cannot overlook the topic of addictions—both the obvious and the insidious emotional ones. Stopping and recognizing where a healthy routine ends and a destructive addiction begins was a necessary step on the path to balance. I wrote about my experiences in this area in the article Addictions: How to Recognize, Understand, and Regain Balance.
Practical Tips for Recognizing and Dealing with Addictions
- Observe your repetitive behaviors. Do you reach for something (phone, food, alcohol, work) mechanically, or out of a real need?
- Ask about the intention. Is the activity a choice or a compulsion? What is behind the need—an escape from emotions, boredom, stress?
- Try the replacement method. Instead of a negative habit, introduce something neutral or positive—like a walk instead of scrolling, or a call to a friend instead of snacking.
All these topics—forgiveness, the power of words, conscious thinking, and working with addictions—became my daily practices and significant support on the path to inner peace and self-development.
Spirituality as Support in Difficult Times
Did it make her come back? No, not so far. My changes didn’t magically bring her home. We are on the path to divorce, but today I am calm, more self-confident, and have control over my life. This process was a lesson for me that true growth begins with accepting the situation and directing energy toward your own development.
On this journey, I also confronted the topic of the ego—both mine and hers. I wrote about this more extensively in the articles When the Ego Harms Your Life and Ego and Happiness: A Spiritual Perspective. It was only through a careful analysis of how the ego can destroy relationships and rob us of joy and peace that I was able to understand the dynamics of our breakup and my own part in it. I noticed that just like me at the beginning (control, criticism, perfectionism, or withdrawal), she was dealing with her own archetypal shadows. You can read more about these patterns in my detailed articles: Recognizing Maturity and Shadows in Jungian Male Archetypes and Recognizing Maturity and Shadows in Jungian Female Archetypes: A Guide to Inner Power.
Observing this from a distance, I see how the ego, when it remains unconscious, shatters relationships from the inside. Over time, my approach changed—I still tried to help her, but not to control or change her. My intentions transformed: I wanted her to feel supported, not pressured. This shift in perspective made me realize that true happiness is born from acceptance and letting go of the need to control another person.
Thanks to mindfulness techniques, I rediscovered myself. It turned out that I could handle the house, the kids, the cats, and my job—all on my own, despite the huge burden. The key was setting healthy boundaries—not only with her but, above all, with myself and my own emotions. I write more about the importance of boundaries in relationships in the article Boundaries and the Ego: How to Love Without Letting Yourself Be Used. At the same time, it’s worth seeing how practicing spirituality can genuinely ground us in daily life, as I describe in Spirituality in the Physical World: How I Found My Footing.
Conclusion: Your Path to Inner Balance
This stage taught me something fundamental—that through self-work and setting healthy boundaries, I can start a new chapter. I gradually regained control over my life and energy, which allowed me to create something entirely my own—my web design company.
At the same time, alongside my main business, this blog became a natural extension of my transformation. My story is not about how to “win” someone back at all costs. It’s a journey to reclaim yourself—to become a better person, a more conscious father, and your own most faithful friend.
I believe that each of us, even in the most difficult moments, can find a source of strength and comfort in spiritual development and expanding self-awareness. I sometimes wonder how much earlier access to these tools might have changed the course of my life and relationship. On the other hand, it was through these difficult experiences that my desire to share knowledge was born.
If you are going through hell right now, remember: you are not alone. Your breath is always with you and can be the first anchor in difficult times. Your awareness is a safe harbor you can always turn to. I am here to support you as a friend on this journey, so you can find your own path and, in time, become your own guru, which I write more about in my article Be Your Own Guru. Trust yourself, take care of your needs, seek answers within, and let every day be a step toward greater balance and inner strength.
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